Get Ready! Get Set! Breathe...

Okay, so keeping a blog is harder than I thought it would be.  I had grand expectations of writing once or twice a week when I started this thing, and here I am, two months since my last post. My intentions were good, and I've had many a thought about what I would write if I could just sit down and focus.  But alas, life gets in the way.  We are all busy, busy, busy, so busy, or haven't you heard.... In many ways, "busy" can be good.  It means we're being productive.  It may mean we're working hard, raising families, seeing friends, tending to our homes--the good stuff. But in another sense, "busy, busy, busy" may very well be a red flag that we are not taking time to smell the proverbial roses...time to take care of ourselves, time to truly enjoy our loved ones, time to play, laugh, enjoy, BREATHE.

In my field, there is rapidly growing attention being paid to the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of being present, truly present, in the moment. Of being focused, tuned in, attentive to your surroundings, sensory experiences, and the connections happening with those in your company. Make no mistake, mindfulness is not easy to achieve, and it does not come naturally.  The hectic pace of life these days has us running in many different directions all at once, and even when we are able to slow our bodies down, our minds take over with running thoughts.  In our efforts to get it all done (whatever "it" is for you), we may actually be letting the most important things sail right by us.

So, as we slide into the busiest season of the year, try out a few of these mindfulness tips, and see how they enhance your holiday joy and lift your spirits:

• When you see someone at a gathering and ask how they've been, look into their eyes and really listen to their reply. Engage thoughtfully in the conversation without allowing your mind to wander.

• Make a concerted effort to "pause" once in awhile and tune in to the sights, smells, and sounds around you. Enjoy the sound of laughter, the twinkle of lights, the smell of a comforting family recipe cooking.

• Amidst all the holiday commotion, carve out "quiet time" with your loved ones, free of distractions and unnecessary stimuli (electronics!). Enjoy the quiet.  See what kind of creativity emerges during quiet time with the kids. Tell stories, snuggle, use your imaginations.

• Be sure to get some personal space to tend to your own rest, recovery, and battery recharging. Tune in to your own needs, feelings, and sensory experiences. Tend to wounds or voids that may exist, and celebrate your blessings.

Learning to be mindful can be a challenge, no doubt.  But, with a little effort and a lot of love, it's one of the best gifts you'll get this year (and it's free!).

Listening Ears

In the work I do with kids and parents, I am reminded daily of how important a skill it is to be a good listener. It sounds so simple.  I mean, what could be easier? Close your mouth, look at the person speaking, and take in what they're saying.  Piece of cake, right?  And we've been learning how to be good listeners since our earliest days in school when we were instructed to "put on our listening ears" and pay attention so that we didn't miss anything important. We are taught to listen to our parents, our teachers, then later our friends, our bosses, our spouses....By adulthood, there's no question--we really should be experts.  So, WHY, then, does listening to children not come more naturally?  There could be several reasons.  To name a few: we may consider what they have to say immature, impulsive, inexperienced, naive, oppositional, demanding, unknowing, emotional, or egocentric, and therefore, they may automatically command less of our attention.  But here's the thing: kids have really, really interesting things to say sometimes.  Stepping into their worldview and looking at situations from their perspective can be a fascinating excursion.  It can help us understand so much about the way they think, behave, interact with others, and feel about certain situations.  It can help us to relate.  Yes, listening is a critical skill to master, as a parent, or as anyone who interacts with kids.  Another key reason to listen to kids is that it communicates RESPECT. Kids want (and need) our respect.  They want to be heard and understood.  When they feel they're not, there can arise anger, frustration, and reciprocal disrespect. Failure to listen on our part may also inadvertently alienate a child, something we most definitely do not want to do, especially as they are approaching those testy teenage years. Kids need to learn that it is safe and valuable for them to have their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions.  This is how they grow and eventually become healthy, independent big people.

I think sometimes parents feel that, by listening and giving attention to an issue on their child's agenda, they are inherently agreeing with their child.  This does not have to be the case. Even if you ultimately say "no" or disagree at the end of a discussion, there is tremendous value in the communication process. As you listen, you let them know that you care, that you want to understand, and that you respect their opinions and individuality.  This is quality relationship stuff. And the payoff is huge. Remember that, as parents, we are constantly role modeling (no pressure!). So, even during all of this wonderful communicating and relating  that we're doing, we are also teaching, molding and helping to develop the next generation of good listeners.

So...when your child wants to talk, here are a few tips for optimizing your listening skills:

* Don't multitask. Your child needs your undivided attention.
* Find a time and space when/where you will not be interrupted.
* Remove all distractions, like cell phones and TV.
* Get comfortable and relax.
* Remember the value of eye contact.
* Don't interrupt. You will have plenty of opportunity to respond.
* Stay calm and resist the urge to overreact or be quick with a "no." Emphasize that you hear and that you understand.
* Take a moment (or two) and recognize the gift of open communication with your child.

Wishing you patience, tranquility, and tireless listening ears!

Jill

Welcome!

Hello, and thank you for checking out my blog! I hope you'll like what you see, and that you will become a regular reader.  If you are a parent, someone who works with children, or someone who has children you love in your life, then you are sure to find valuable information here.  I am a mom to two fabulous, fun, and respectful kids, and am also fortunate enough to work with other people's children in my professional life.  These kids--little ones and big ones--teach me new lessons every single day.  So, although I get to play the dual roles of mom and therapist, my eyes and ears are constantly open for the wondrous new insights these kids will share with me! My goals with this blog are to share some of the many cool lessons I learn from them, to answer your pressing questions and concerns, and to share some of my own experiences and wisdom that I've picked up (and will hopefully continue to pick up) along the way. So, join us! The journey of parenting is not always easy, and it's comforting to have a band of fellow travelers. I hope you will find companionship, support, and creative new ideas here.  Parenting can be a wild ride.  You in?

Best,
Jill Crawford, LCSW